Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
