You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
