He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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