dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He did a backflip because drugs
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
