Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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