I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
