I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
