tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
