Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
