have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Randomize
