after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Even the bartender felt bad for me
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize