i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
