you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize
