I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
