I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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