So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
