If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
