Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
