I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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