Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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