her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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