Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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