My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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