In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
