Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
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