we have pet lesbian snakes
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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