I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
