Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
this hospital has no fireball
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
