Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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