At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
