Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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