I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
