just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
