My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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