I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
