Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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