I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
