just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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