I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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