she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
