Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
