WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
