your parents love me but you hate me
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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