remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
