I can text with my tongue
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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