In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Less talking, more tequila
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
