a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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