if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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