i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
