Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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