wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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