it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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