put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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