My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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