i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
