You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
