you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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