i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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